Not a Handywoman

While being single has its ups and downs, I enjoy it most of the time. Having been married for nearly seven years, I can honestly say that I've had my fill of married life. I get to hold the remote control when I'm watching television. If I don't feel like cooking, I eat cereal for dinner. I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going or when I'll be back. Okay, that's not true. My mother has to know when I'll be away for long periods of time, as she's generally the one who feeds my pets and she worries that I've met some horrible end if she doesn't know where I am most of the time. Generally speaking, however, I am a free woman.

There are times when this independence is a little overrated, to say the least. As I write this, I have a toilet in one bathroom and a sink in the other that are out of commission. I also have a connection kit that needs to go from my water line to my new fridge, which will be delivered next Friday. The Lowe's salesman was adamant that I call a local handyman before anyone else to do this "simple task." What he doesn't understand is that I live in a small town where the local handymen are either untrustworthy or downright creepy.

So I had the bright idea that perhaps my ex-husband would want a side job, to earn some extra money in this crappy economy. He was always a good handyman in our marriage and I most certainly miss that.

He tells me that he will stop by on his way home from work. I start tidying up the house a bit, while I wait for him. When 4:30 rolls around, I decide to call him. I had told him I'd mess with the faucet handles a bit more and perhaps I misunderstood and was supposed to call and let him know that I'd failed miserably.

I grab my cell phone and see that there are two voicemails on there. Both are from him. In the first one, he tells me to call him. In the second one, he goes into a little more detail and I read between the lines. His wife has put her foot down. The word "inappropriate" comes up. Now ordinarily I'd agree that it might be a bit inappropriate to ask your ex to be your handyman when he is remarried but I just had dinner with both of them on Saturday. It was a birthday dinner for my sister-in-law, who is married to my brother and happens to be my ex-husband's sister. It also included my ex-in-laws and there was no awkwardness whatsoever, save the initial greetings when I hugged everyone but the new wife. Maybe if I had hugged her, I'd at least have my sink fixed now.

I had picked up a "Universal Fit Decorative Tank Lever" while in Lowe's and had every intention of putting that on myself, as I've done it before. I get everything ready for the job and get the tank off the back of the toilet. I open the package, take out the tank lever, and proceed to break the metal arm while trying to unscrew the locknut. It snaps off at the handle like a mere twig. While I pride myself on being fairly strong, I know I'm not that strong, for heaven's sake. I look on the back of the package and see "Made in Taiwan." Why hadn't I checked that before? I'm out $15 and still can't use my toilet.

Now I'm off to attempt to install a new smoke detector. Should I chance it? Well I see no other way. Did I mention that I'm extremely stubborn?

It will probably comfort those reading this to know that I have put a call in to the local plumber to at least handle the sink and fridge water line. I'm going to try the toilet lever again. This time, however, I'll check to see where it's made and be a little more gentle with unassembling it. Wish me luck....